


Crash Bang Universe

by MarlonKruizinga



Category: Original Work
Genre: Action, Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, F/M, Friendship, Funny, Future, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Manga & Anime, Minor Original Character(s), Origin Story, Original Character(s), Original Character-centric, Original Fiction, Original Mythology, Original Universe, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:43:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7717015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarlonKruizinga/pseuds/MarlonKruizinga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Penny and Brandon are adventurers who travel the universe using advanced teleportation tech, and get into all sorts of adventures.</p><p>We start at the beginning, or rather at a random point in their careers as "good natured" bounty hunters. </p><p>How about we step in and enjoy the shenanigans?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A day in the life

"According to public opinion the universe is vast, mostly empty, and above all: Really cool."

A boyish creature of radiant light sits himself down in front of you. Behind him you can see an entire galaxy unfold; lights twinkling in a black soup. 

"Or was it more dangerous than cool? Uh... oh dear."

He looks like he's lost in thought. Then he rummages around in what apparently even to a creature of pure light are 'pockets', mumbling something about having written the whole thing down. You hesitantly ask for his attention, and he looks up.

"Oh yeah, sorry. Um... I'm going to have to make it up as I go along. Well; Hello, my name is Mort, and I am God."

You have no immediate reaction to this statement.

"Hard to believe, I know. But just bear with me here. I am God of this universe, where strange creatures and otherworldly civilizations exist on different planets. Indeed, life on earth is not alone in this universe, and is in fact connected through an Interplanetary Alliance with many faraway planets." 

A short, awkward silence follows.

"I can see that I've already lost you. Okay, here's the deal: you get a peak into the lives of some of the interesting people in this world. Their names are Penny and Bradley-"

His assistant then quickly whispers something in his ear, to which he nods politely and corrects himself; "I mean Brandon of course", laughing away the worrying fact that God doesn't know the names of his creations, and has an assistant in the form of an ethereal duck. 

"Anyways, all you need to know is this: in this universe there are aliens, and that is perfectly normal. You are going to look into an alternative version of earth around the twenty first century. Enjoy."

\----

"Brandon, we've got a job!"  
Penny stormed into the room, excited. Brandon had practically sunk into the beanbag he was sitting in, and let out a groan that usually meant "just a few more minutes, mom". 

"What are you getting so excited about? We usually have at least a job a week and it's Friday already. No jobs 'till now, so the odds were high."

"But this one's special!"  
Penny was practically dancing.

Brandon jumped up and joined her in excitement. "Is it a job with some action?"

"Nope." She smiled, looking him straight in the face. 

Brandon paused for a second, his right eye twitching in exasperation.  
"You're unbelievable. Quit teasing me like that!"

"I wasn't teasing you, I really am pumped for this job. It's not my fault that you can only enjoy jobs where we have to fight our way out of trouble."

Brandon sighed. "Okay, what's the job?"

Penny giggled to herself, unable to actually form a coherent sentence.

"Wow, you really are happy about this, aren't you? Well, spit it out!"

She took some deep breaths.  
"We are going to," she paused for dramatic effect, "hunt for petrafra!"

"..."

Penny raised her eyebrows. "...petrafra."

"...what?"

"Come ON, you don't know what petrafra is?"

"Well no. What, am I supposed to? You're the smart one."  
Brandon frowned a little bit.

"Oh come on, buddy. Don't act like your just the dumb muscle man of our team. If you just payed more attention to my research, you'd have known stuff like this by now."

Brandon couldn't figure out if this was a compliment or an insult, so he settled on 'both'. "Fine then: teach me. What is petrafra?" 

"Well, it's an extremely rare type of stone, the most fragile kind in the galaxy. It's worth a lot of money, and our 'boss' for today is offering top dollar if we bring a slab of it to him."

"Who is it?"

"Pablo."

"That flamboyant schmuck? It's been a while. Alright let's go!"

Brandon walked out quickly. Something about the way he moved was childish, so full of energy that both his arms and legs had do stay in constant motion. He threw a few punches at nothing, spun around like he was doing a Walz and skipped from one foot to the other. He was pumped, since Pablo Avia would occasionally have some pretty dangerous jobs to offer. Maybe this one was more exciting than it seemed.

Penny came after him. "We have to stop by Pablo first, see where he wants us to go. I'll get the Jumper ready."

She pulled a metal ball as big as an apple out of the satchel that hung from her belt. She twisted two sides of the ball in opposite directions and it opened up, revealing a slightly smaller ball, glowing bright purple. 

A pre-recorded menu started playing.

"Jumper, always a leap ahead. Please choose your planet."

"Mars." Penny answered.

"Three possible destinations found.  
Avia Dome.  
Alliance Embassy: Mars  
Club Mars  
Please choose your destination."

"That club really needs a new gimmick. We get it, you play dubstep on Mars." Brandon muttered. 

"Avia Dome." 

With a flash of purple light, the dining room of their house disappeared and was replaced by a waiting room with magazines an two long couches on opposite sides of the room. In the middle of the room stood a large table, made of dark and old-looking wood, and engraved with beautiful patterns and words in an ancient language.  
On the table was a note.

ANCIENT TRIBAL FEASTING TABLE. DO NOT BREAK, OR I'LL KILL YOU.  
-PABLO

The Jumper, now a purple glowing ball floating in the air, droned a final message.

"Thank you for using Jumper, the number one in teleportation technology. Please buy our new model, which will be in stores from Wednesday next week."

Brandon grabbed the metal shell out of Penny's hands. "What's new about it?"

"Our new model replaces the old purple colour with a fashionable violet glow, a must have fo-"

Brandon slammed the two pieces of the shell around the floating orb and twisted it shut. He could still hear the muffled advertisement from inside the metal ball. He tossed it to Penny, who put it back in her satchel. She couldn't help but snigger at Brandon's hatred for advertising. 

They both turned to the door at the end of the room. A little red light on the right side of the door indicated that Pablo was busy. They sat down next to each other on one of the couches and waited.

Brandon decided to speak up. "So, what about this precious rock that we're gonna get has you so excited?"

She turned to him. Her curly hair hung like a curtain before her forehead, always just a tad too short to hang in front of her eyes. Her eyes were green, looking just a curious and merry as ever. 

"I can use this job for my research. Since petrafra is so rare, it's properties and uses are fairly unknown. I haven't found any books on the subject at all. This is a marvelous chance for me to find out for myself."

"Do you think Pablo will let you study the stuff?"

"Maybe... Well, if he's in a good mood, then hopefully-"

At that moment a man came flying out of Pablo's office, breaking the waiting room door and landing on the old table, crushing that also. 

"MY FUCKING TABLE!" Pablo screamed from his office.

Penny sunk onto Brandon's lap.  
"Oh noooooooo...", she moaned in quiet despair. So did the man lying on the broken table, Brandon noticed. 

Pablo stepped into the waiting room. A bronze, tanned skin, hair dyed snow-white and a surprisingly fit and muscular body for a man in his forties. He was wearing a leopard print cloak with a fur collar of all things. 

He stood next to the man whom he had presumably just thrown through the door and lit a sigar. 

"I'm adding that to your debt", he grumbled with the sigar between his teeth. "Now get outta here, I've got other guests."

The man nervously fiddled around with his Jumper, and after giving it the necessary commands he disappeared in a flash of red light. A very old model. 

Pablo turned his attention to Brandon and Penny. He forced a smile, but still seemed pretty grumpy.  
"I see you got my job offer."

Penny quickly got up. "Uhuh, we sure did. We'd love to do it! Just tell us where to go and we'll be on our way."

"Is that a robotic arm, Pablo?" Brandon asked. 

"Sure is." Pablo presented it proudly, waving his right arm around and doing karate chops with it. "In fact, that's kinda why you're here. I woulda gone looking for petrafra myself if this thing wasn't still malfunctioning."

"Malfunctioning?" Penny asked, leaning forward to look at the metal prosthetic more closely. 

"That guy just now? He wasn't supposed to go flying like that when I punched him. That's the kind of thing I can't have when I go treasure huntin'."

"Right, you need a more tactful approach, especially with such a fragile object as a slab of petrafra." 

"Penny, you're doing it again", Brandon cut her short.

"What?"

"You've got your nose up high and your eyes closed while you're talking. Pablo aint no scholar you can just lecture, remember?"

"O.. oh, yeah. S-sorry..." She looked back and forth between Pablo and Brandon, flustered.

Pablo laughed. "You guys put me in a good mood. Now let's talk about your destination." He walked back into his office and gestured the two of them to follow.

Pablo's office was absolutely stuffed with artifacts, books and even weapons from countless different planets and cultures. The room was centered around a large metal desk in the middle, surrounded by incredibly tall wooden shelves. 

Some were stacked with ancient tomes, others with piles of brightly coloured jewels, wobbling dangerously with every step taken in the room, although the occasional metallic noise that heralded the destruction of all you held dear by some godforsaken doomsday weapon that Pablo found valuable was much more threatening. 

Still, Penny actually enjoyed coming to Pablo's office once in a while, since he was one of the few people who still appreciated old fashioned lighting. Instead of the bleak white lights most people had in their homes nowadays, his office was lit with a soft yellow glow from old light bulbs in antique chandeliers. 

Pablo cleared the table of his paperwork, revealing the computer screen that was built into it. He typed something in and the screen changed to a satellite image of a row of large mansions. 

"This is where you're going", Pablo said, pointing at the building the second farthest to the left with his mechanical finger. "The home of Charlie Pur, millionaire and known collector of rare items and artifacts. He lives in the richest city on New Venus, Omalon, on the second richest block of the city."

"And he has a bunch of petrafra?", Brandon asked.

"So he does."

"Well, what makes you think he'll give it to us?"

Pablo grinned, revealing two rows of teeth that would be perfect, were it not for three of them being replaced by golden replicas. "Don't worry, I got that covered. Just tell him that in exchange for a slab of that stone, I'll pull some strings and get him a house on THE richest block of the city. He knows I always follow up on my promises."

"Fair enough", Brandon said after a quick glance at Penny for confirmation. "So what exactly does it pay?"

"10.000 dollars, earth variety of course. But you'll have to pay for any property damage yourselves." Pablo stood up and stuck out his hand, the one of flesh and blood this time (probably because he was afraid of crushing their hands). "So what do ya say, deal?"

"Just one more thing", Brandon said. "Penny wants to study some of the stuff as well."

"She can study it all she wants once it's here."

Penny and Brandon turned their heads and nodded at each other.  
Then Penny stepped forward and shook Pablo's hand. "Deal."

\----

Another flash of blue light surged outward and then retreated back to its source, which floated in the air going on and on about some great new deals. And again, Brandon cut it short.

Penny looked around. She noticed that they were standing in the middle of the road, so she quickly grabbed Brandon by the arm and pulled him onto the sidewalk. 

"Thanks, Pen. But eh, I don't think there's a lot of traffic around here."

Penny looked at the street again and saw that there were no cars driving there at all. For a second, she wondered why. Then she realised. 

"Oh of course, all these rich people have the best teleportation tech around. No need for cars. Makes this road kinda useless, really."

They both turned their attention to the long string of mansions on this block. Their destination was in walking distance. They decided to play a little game as they closed the distance.

Penny hummed a tune frivolously. 

"Mozart", Brandon said in response.

"Correct!" Penny smiled at him. "But which one?"

"The Paris Symphony."

Penny clapped her hands together. "Exactly! You're getting better and better."

"My turn." Brandon began to sing. "Not a prisoner, I'm a free man, and my blood is my own now..."

"Iron Maiden, Prisoner. Honestly, I don't know what you see in metal."

Brandon grinned. "Tch. You're one to talk! How do you stay awake through those ass-numbingly long-"

"Language!" Penny poked him in the side of the head.

Brandon was about to shoot her an annoyed look, when they reached the mansion of Charlie Pur.  
It was a large building of smooth cement, painted in a pompous purple. A guard with an old-fashioned rifle stood in front of the Mahoney wooden door, which had golden lion heads for door knockers.

They exchanged a look, then Brandon stepped towards the doorstep that the guard stood in front of. The guard stepped forward and held out his hand. "Halt! What is your business here?"

Brandon stopped, his hands in the pockets of his shorts. 

"We're here to make a deal with Charlie Pur. By the way, is that a rifle you're using? You know that blasters exist right? I mean Christ, you can get a stun gun for a buck if you look in the right places."

The guard looked at his gun, a little perplexed. "Well, Mister Pur has quite an uh... eccentric taste. He said he preferred me using a 'weapon with some character'. Or something like that..."

"Whatever you say bud", Brandon sniggered. "So are you going to let us in or...?"

The guard regained his composure. "Do you have an invitation or an appointment?"

Now it was Brandon who was uneasy. "Oh uh... I didn't think.. we.. needed... one." He slowly grew more and more quiet, realising how dumb that probably sounded.

"Hey Brandon", Penny interrupted reluctantly. 

Brandon looked at her over his shoulder. "Hm?"

"I think you have to do your 'thing'."

Brandon frowned like he tasted liver (a type of food which he found dubious but not exactly disgusting). "Are you sure?" He turned back to the guard. "Come on man, let's not turn this into a big thing."

The guard clutched his rifle, clearly on edge. "What 'thing' are you two talking about?"

"Just let us in, please. We aren't up to anything bad."

The guard pointed his gun at Brandon. "You LOOK like you do."

A cocky smirk found its way onto Brandon's face, like a boy who's about say something he KNOWS will piss off his parents. He turned back to Penny. "See Pen, I told you that eyeliner was too much. This poor man thinks you're a damn anarchist!"

"I'm talking about you", the guard said angrily. "Shirt with no sleeves, that weird smiley face on it- seriously is it supposed to be dead or something- and those cut up short jeans? You're the one who looks like a-"

"You really know how to ruin a joke, don't you?" Brandon slapped his own forehead.

"I mean, it wasn't that funny to begin with", Penny threw out. 

Brandon turned around. "HEY, who's side are you on?"

"Yours, I'm just telling the truth!"

"Well you don't have to put me down like that!"

"I have to ask you two to leave!"

"What, should I just lie about your jokes?"

"No, but... but that doesn't mean you have to be so rude about it!"

"Leave or I will open fire!"

"Rude?! Don't be such a wuss!"

"Are you deaf? Leave!"

"Who are you calling a wuss?!"

"You, you big wuss!"

"I insist you two-"

"That's IT!" Brandon grabbed the end of the guard's rifle. Suddenly, sparks came from Brandon's hand, and within the next second a small, but intense explosion burst forth from where he had grabbed hold of the gun, blowing the guard backwards into the the door.

Brandon walked up to him. They were both covered in ash and soot.  
The guard was still reeling from colliding with the door. "H-how d-d-did you do thzad?", he stuttered.

"I wish I could tell you", Brandon responded, cracking his knuckles. "Superpowers, mutant abilities, whatever you want to call it. These days, we're all a bit out of the ordinary. So what's it matter, right?"

"..."

"You're already unconscious, aren't you?"

Penny walked up next to him. "Yeah, he's down for the count. I told you you had to use it."

"I've gotta admit, I feel much better now."

"You know what, me too." 

They were both able to unwind a bit before gently shoving the guard aside (or, well; Brandon throwing him to the side of the door and Penny politely putting him in a more dignified position than facedown and ass-up in a batch of garden flowers) and entering the mansion. 

The air around them seemed to just be a lot less thick and oppressive. It allowed them to remember they were friends for various good reasons. On their way to Pur's living room, they began to giggle. The giggling turned to laughing, and they both felt comfortably warm inside.

The first thing they ran into was a butler, who offered to take their coates, which they didn't have.  
"But sir and ma'am, you do have an appointment don't you?" The grey old man asked.

Brandon had already passed him by, but Penny made the effort of making an apologetic gesture to the old butler, who stayed awkwardly beside the front door.

They walked through a hallway with fancy chandeliers on lilac walls. "And yet the lighbulbs still give that ugly white light", Penny complained.

It was true that the lighting made the otherwise majestic looking hallway seem bleak. But it seemed the owner of this mansion was aware of this, because the lights were all set to their lowest brightness. 

When they reached the door they unfortunately found that once again they couldn't go forward. A muscular man in a black suit and tie stood right in front of the door to Charlie Pur's living room. 

Penny tapped Brandon on the shoulder. "That must be Pur's bodyguard", she whispered. "Maybe you should let me do the talking this time."

"What? You think I can't take this guy?"

"No, I just think we should avoid fighting in here if we can. We have to pay for all damage ourselves, remember?"

Brandon's eyes were filled with a juvenile disappointment, like he'd just been told he wasn't going to get a new toy. But he still relented. "Alright, but I've got your back, okay?"

Penny nodded and walked over to the large man, who just stood there with his arms folded. 

"Um, hello sir." Penny had to look up to see the bodyguard's face. 

He looked down at her, but he didn't say anything back.

"We'd like to talk to Charlie Pur. I guess you could say it's to discuss business. So um.. could you let us through, please?"

The man, looming over her, very slowly rotated his head to the right. Then a second or two passed. Then the slowly moved his head back, rotating it all the way to the left. Then finally, he rotated his head back to its original position. This all happened in complete silence and seemed to take ages. It was the weirdest way Penny had ever seen someone shake their head to say "no". 

Annoyed, and a bit bemused, Penny put her hands on her sides. "I'm sorry, sir, but we really can't take no for an answer. You can check us for weapons if you want, but we're absolutely-"

The giant bodyguard lifted his right arm and made a fist. 

"Pen, watch out!"

Brandon jumped in and threw Penny to the ground, right before a fist as big as a boulder came in swinging from her left. 

The bodyguard turned his attention to Brandon now, who just scrambled back up and pulled Penny back on her feet. With the muscle head stepping towards them, they both took a few steps back, only to find their backs to the wall.

Brandon clenched his fist. "I'm gonna punch this guy all the way to Old Venus."

"No", Penny grabbed his fist. "Try being smart about this for once."

Before Brandon could object, they both had to duck to avoid another punch, which hit the wall instead.

"Wait a minute", Penny said to herself.

Brandon pulled her away, back to the middle of the hallway. "Pen, if I can't use my powers, then how do we beat him?"

"Stand against a wall."

"What, why?"

"Just trust me. Go over there, and taunt him."

Seeing in her eyes that she was serious, Brandon agreed. He ran to the other side of the hallway and put his back against the wall. "Hey, uh... ugly! Come and get me! Nanananana!"

"Tone it down a bit", Penny said, giggling a bit.

It worked, though. The bodyguard came running at Brandon, ready to slam into him. 

"Pen, he's coming."

"I know."

"Uh, Pen, he's coming!"

"Uhuh."

"Pen, he and his truckload of muscles are COMING!"

"Okay, jump.... NOW!"

Right at the last second, Brandon jumped out of the way. The hulking bodyguard, unable to stop at that point, smashed into the wall.  
And to Brandon's surprise, and Penny's expectation, he exploded into a pool of strange, green liquid. 

"What the-", Brandon uttered, otherwise dumbstruck.

"How rude", a gentle but arrogant voice spoke. 

Brandon looked down next to him. The voice, laced with a thick accent, was coming from the green puddle.  
Then the liquid began to raise itself up, as if caught in a tractor beam, and slowly got a humanoid form. 

This time however, the form was of a young woman that was very clearly not human. Her green body reflected the bleak lights like a pond would, and her hair looked like a waterfall for which time had stopped. 

"A native of Old Venus", Penny cried triumphantly. "That's why she refused to speak, it would've given her away."

"Oh, a liquid person", Brandon followed her up bluntly.

The woman looked at him, or so it seemed. 'Liquid people' didn't have eyes, so people assumed. The upper part of their faces was always concealed by their 'hair'.  
"I take offense to that term, you know?"

Brandon shrugged and looked over to Penny. "But why'd she explode? It was a nasty hit, but liquid people usually don't blow up so easily."

"Stop calling me that!" The woman stomped her foot down, which made a splashing sound.

"She'd stretched herself out a lot to form such an imposing man. Venusians are shapeshifters, but they can't add any mass to themselves. If they want to get bigger, they become less dense. I noticed it when she punched the wall. It made practically no sound, like the wall was being hit by a breeze."

"Aha, so all this time you were just a strong looking wet blanket?" Brandon looked at her teasingly.

She looked very upset. "You shut your mouth, you... you hooligan! Just go and see Mister Pur and leave me alone. I'm gonna get fired anyways when he finds out I was tricked like this."

"Hey now", Penny said compassionately, touching her shoulder. "We don't want you to lose your job."

"Yeah, I guess that'd be pointless." Brandon thoughtfully scratched his head. "Damn, now I feel bad."

"Tell ya what, we'll put in a good word for you with Mister Pur. We've actually got some pretty good news for him, so he'll be in a good mood."

"R-really?" The Venusian raised her head, a glimmer of hope in her, uh, just her voice I suppose. 

Brandon now also came closer to her. "Sure thing! Oh, and by the way", Brandon looked at where her eyes were supposed to be, "why don't you start working on your own strength instead of pretending to be strong? Just because your body is normally liquid doesn't mean you can't find a way to make it hit hard."

His voice was genuine and encouraging, like he was her sports coach. 

"Brandon, are you sure you should teach her to solve her problems with her fists?" Penny intervened.

"N-no, you know what? He's right. I want to be fearsome as myself, and no one else. Thanks." She smiled, her mouth a glistening half circle. "You're not so bad, for a hooligan."

Brandon laughed approvingly. "See? You're already feisty enough!"

\----

Walking into the living room, the first thing that made itself known was a strong smell of roses. Sure enough, the room was filled with countless vases filled with crimson, violet and pink flowers. 

And there, sitting comfortably on a broad couch filled with pillows, was Charlie Pur. He was just lounging around, playing with a small but very fluffy cat. At first glance, Penny had though he was cuddling a white, furry ball. 

Having as much fun as he was, it took Charlie a while to notice they were even there. "Oh, look Percival; we have visitors. Wait, how'd you get past my security?"

"With some very good negotiation", Penny quickly explained, before Brandon could say anything. 

Pur frowned, his eyes saying "Oh really?". Sighing, he stood up and placed his cat Percival on his shoulder. 

He was skinny, with a head of halflong black hair that looked intentionally messy, probably with the help of a lot of hairspray. He was probably the only one Penny and Brandon had ever met with a more extravagant fashion sense than Pablo Avia. 

He wore a tight-fitting black and white striped shirt, skinny jeans, and a bright purple fur coat. 

"I don't have time for this. Percival, attack!" Charlie grabbed his cat off his shoulder and threw it at them. It landed right on Brandon's face, who stood perfectly still in fear of getting cat claws planted into him. Instead, Percival just purred affectionately, rubbing his head against Brandon's face.

Charlie's face shifted gradually from a devious smile to a disappointed pout. "I thought you were more of a warrior, Percy." He let out another sigh and plopped back onto the couch. "Very well, what do you want?"

"Petrafra", Penny answered. 

Brandon mumbled the same from under the cotton ball on his face. His head was tilted back so the animal wouldn't fall off.

Charlie remained stone faced. "No."

"Wait, hear us out", Penny retaliated. "We don't want it for ourselves, we want it for mister Avia."

"Pablo?" Charlie raised his eyebrows. "Gosh, it's been a long time since I've heard from him. Why isn't he here himself?"

"Somephing abwout his new pwosphetic arm", Brandon managed to utter through the cat hairs. 

"Percival, get down from there!" Pur demanded. 

Percival refused. Concerned, Penny looked towards Brandon. Then she noticed something.

"Brandon, are you smiling?"

Brandon froze. After a long silence he responded: "No..."

Penny laughed loudly and started tugging at him at him teasingly. "Oh my God, you were totally smiling because of that furball on your face! Hahaha!"

Brandon finally picked up Percival and put him on the ground. He was red in the face, nearly steaming even.

"I just... I really like cats."

Penny smirked at him. "No need to be embarrassed, tough guy. I won't tell anyone."

"So what's Pablo suggesting?" Charlie cut to the chase.

"In return for a slab of petrafra, he will get you a house on the richest block of Omalon."

"Sulfur Boulevard", Charlie muttered, looking into the distance with a longing for finally seeing the sun through a previously unending veil of mist.

Suddenly, Charlie sprung back up from his couch. "Deal!"

"Wow, you must really like that city block", Brandon said, surprised.

"You must really like cats", grinning mischievously.

The red glow on Brandon's cheeks returned. Charlie giggled.

"Alright you two", he said, running his hand through his hair, not yet breaking eye contact with Brandon. "the petrafra is in my special vault. So if you would follow me..."

Carlie rushed ahead like a competitive toddler. Brandon and Penny got a good look at his designer boots, both told themselves not to judge people by appearance, then quickly followed him out the door on the far end of the living room.

\----

The three of them talked as they were walking through another few rooms with violet walls and lilac floor tiles. The difference in colour between those Penny and Brandon only knew because Charlie explained it at great length. His love for the colour purple and all its variants was very apparent.

"So Brandon, do you like purple?" Charlie looked over his shoulder and shot Brandon a surprisingly awkward smile.

"I guess... It's a pretty unique colour."

"E-exactly!" For the first time, Charlie stumbled over his words. "Ah, here we are."

The door in front of them contrasted with the rest of the house with its cold, metal guise. Charlie had clearly noticed it, having put glittery stickers all over it.

"It's got a coded lock", Pur said, spreading his arms theatrically. "Can you guess what the code is?"

"Is it 'purple'?"

Charlie opened his mouth, then froze in that position with his pointing finger lifted half-way. He was like a very awkward statue.

"You know, I have no idea why I though you wouldn't guess that."  
He quickly punched in the code and the door opened.

There were no more than ten items inside, all on their own pedestals, beneath a glass dome. Charlie walked towards the one in the right hand corner. When he looked at it, he let out a pained yelp. 

Penny and Brandon came quickly to look over his shoulder. What they could only assume was the slab of petrafra had been reduced to a fine white, sparkling dust.

"H-how..?" Charlie stuttered. "I know it's fragile, but I've kept things totally quiet and calm around here. Wait..."

Charlie turned around, his eyes on fire. "Your 'negatiations' were the reason this happened, weren't they? What could you have done to make the entire building vibrate ghat much?"

"Well, we had a little brawl with your bodyguard", Penny answered, slowly taking a step back. "And Brandon kinda made your outside guard's gun blow up..."

"What!? That thing was priceless", Charlie squealed. "It was so rustic and beautiful and-"

"Old." Brandon, standing there stonefaced, not realizing his mistakes, as per usual. ("That's what Penny thinks, I think he was right on the money" -Mort)

Charlie looked intently at Brandon, then he closed his eyes and sighed.  
"I can't get mad at you, you're too adorable."

Brandon showed clear surprise in his expression, but chose to just take this as an odd compliment. 

"Just take this rubbish and leave. I expect Pablo to keep his promise, since his workers", he gave Penny a nasty look, "destroyed HIS petrafra after we made the deal."

"I don't know about that, but we will take what's left of this stuff to Pablo and see what he says." Brandon gave Penny a pat on the back, trying to calm her nerves after this shock.

"Very good." Charlie summoned a smile back onto his face. "By the way Brandon, what do you plan on doing when you're done with all that?" He played with his hair, fluently winding it around his finger.

"Boop."

"Brandon?"

"Boop." 

Brandon was poking Penny's small-potatonose like it was doorbell. She looked at the ground, deafeated. Her curls hanging a little further over her eyes than usual, forming a veil of gloom.

"C'mon Pen, cheer up."

"Sorry", she looked up and smiled at him, although the cheer was thin. "I just got a little bummed out. I don't think Pablo is going to let me study the petrafra anymore."

"He will, I'll fight him over it if I have to. Let's go."

Brandon lifted the dome off the pricy heap of dust and swept all of the grains into the glass bowl. 

"Brandon..." Charlie pouted, his big eyes with a purposefully fragile shine.

"What?"

"I was wondering... when you're done working..." Charlie was twiddling his thumbs erratically. 

"You want to hang out?" Both of Brandon's eyebrows lifted high.

"Uh, yeah let's say that."

"No."

A shade of disappointment fell over the light in Charlie's eyes.  
"Why not?"

"You're a butt." Penny blurted out.

Charlie just stood there, stunned by this sudden accusation.

"Yeah, what she said. You've been nice enough to me, but you're being a jerk to Penny."

"Oh, so the two of you are-"

"That's right", Brandon interrupted him, one arm over Penny's shoulder, in a heroic pose. "We're best friends!"

"Ah, right." Charlie let out a sigh, be it of relief or of disappointment, neither of them could tell.

Then Penny remembered something. "Oh, about the Venusian guarding your living room: we wanted to make sure she'd keep her job. Can you promise to keep her around?"

"And why would I do that? The fact that the two of you are here means she failed to do her job."

"Oh come on, please. We're sure she's going to get even better as a bodyguard, if you just give her the chance."

Charlie bit the tip of his thumb, in silent thought. Then that devious little smile returned.  
"Very well, I'll keep Helena. Under one condition: Brandon owes me a rendezvous."

"I owe you a what?"

"He wants to spend time with you", Penny clarified. 

Brandon groaned like a dog being told he has to take a bath. "Fine."

Charlie squeaked of happiness, clapping excitedly. "Awesome! I'll let you know when you can come by. Be on your way now."

Penny had already gotten their Jumper out of her satchel and was coordinating it to Pablo's home again. 

"Oh, and tell Pablo that if he sends me black nail polish for my birthday one more time, I'll have him killed."

"Sure thing." Brandon laughed.

"I'm not kidding."

A flash of purple, and they were nowhere, then everywhere, and finally in the one right spot in the vast and fantastic universe.

\----

"Hey Pen, do you have painkillers in one of those?" Brandon asked, pointing at the two smaller sacks on Penny's belt, next to the satchel that held the Jumper.

"No, why?"

"Well I said I would fight Pablo over your research, and I would, but the dude's like a quarter robot now. Whether I win or lose, I've got an iron-knuckled right hook comin'."

"I really hope it doesn't come to that."

"Yeah, it would be awesome..."

"Bra- Are you even listening to me anymore?"

They stood, facing each other, in front of the already repaired door to Pablo's office. But Brandon was looking through Penny, into nothing, with a broad smile on his face.

"Stop imagining a fight between you and Pablo!"

"God, that would destroy an entire- What? Oh, sorry."

Penny knocked on the door. 

"Come on in!"

Opening the door, they found him behind his desk, fiddling with a stuffed alien creature. 

"Heya guys, hng, sit down", Pablo said, focused solely and intently on fixing the dead creature's two feet onto a dark wooden stand. A small golden plate on the side of it said "Fenrir".

The creature looked somewhat like a wolf, but it stood upright on two legs and had proper arms like a human would. It appeared to just be covered with white hairs, but research into the species had proven that those hairs were mad.. we up of 80% iron and 10% silver.  
It's hide was capable of deflecting anything from arrows to bullets.

Penny had been whispering all this information to Brandon, who responded with a brief but sincere "Cool". 

Only when the Fenrir stood firmly on its pedestal did Pablo finally look up at them. "Well?"

"We... have the petrafra..." Penny had the same look in her eyes as she would've had, had she been called to the principle's office as a student. Only this had probably never happened.

"Great!"

"But..."

Pablo's smile collapsed like a building. The shift was that disastrous. "But what?"

"But there were some... complications." Penny's forehead was a waterfall of sweat by now.

"Complications, huh?" Pablo leaned back in his chair.

"No property damage, though! So at least that's gotten better! Just keep that in mind."

"Keep it in mind when I...?"

"Oh for God sakes, when you see THIS!" Brandon slammed the bowl of petrafra-dust onto the desk. (In retrospect he was lucky he didn't break the built-in computer screen)

Penny panicked. "We, we really couldn't avoid fighting near Pur's mansion, and just the vibrations ended up pulverising it. We're really sorry, but-"

Penny threw the breaks on her apologies when she realised that Pablo was just snickering to himself. This built into loud, echoing laughter.

He rested his mechanical right arm on the computer screen, then screwed a knob off his upper arm. He grabbed the upside-down dome and poured the petrafra into a hole in his upper arm. Then he screwed the knob back on. 

Penny and Brandon's mouths hung wide open, suspended in that special place in space and time for people who "just... can't". 

"I can see you guys are confused. Allow me to lay it out for ya."

Pablo stood up from his chair and filtered through a pile of books on one of the wooden shelves. He came back with small, grey book.  
He presented it to them, reading off the cover.

"A study of petrafra, by Colin Quill."

"Colin Quill", Penny spitefully repeated through her teeth.

"Who's Colin Quill?" Brandon asked.

"My arch rival from University. I've tried to outdo Colin at every turn, and vice versa. Slimy little-"

"So he beat you to it with the whole petrafra research thing. Should I kick his ass?"

"Colin is a girl."

"Well, I believe in equality." Brandon punched the palm of his hand.

"Don't beat up Colin."

"Fine. So Pabley, what's in the book and why'd you pour gravel into your arm?"

Pablo went through the book's pages. "As it says in here, petrafra is an extremely potent fuel. What you just got me should last me a few years."

"Years?!"

"Yep, you saved me the effort of grinding it up." He laughed that scummy laugh again, like a pirate crossed with a dandy. 

"I hate to ask", Penny begrudgingly said, "but can I have Colin's book? Maybe I can expand upon her research."

"Sure." He tossed the book into her lap. "Now as for your payment; I can pay you cash, 8.000 dollars in bills."

He threw their way a stack of dollar bills wrapped neatly in an old newspaper.

"Thanks, Pabley!" 

"No problem, Big B."

Brandon and Pablo stared at each other with painted on smiles, inwardly groaning at the nicknames they hated to be called by. An exchange of bullets, per say.

They shook hands and didn't even bother to leave the room before using the Jumper.

"Finally home." Brandon looked longingly at the humble little wooden house they lived in. It stood solemnly, at the top of a lonely mountain, around which, at the bottom, a city of interplanetary trade had been built from the ground up.

"So what do we do with all this money, besides paying rent?" Penny asked.

"Let's go on vacation for this weekend."

"Great idea. But where?

"Casus! Nothing like a warm, green planet right?"

"Hm, it does have some great wildlife to study. But that wildlife is also very dangerous."

"Exactly! So you do your research, and if things get sticky then... I suppose... I'll be forced to step in and do something awesome and fun."

Penny laughed. "Sound reasoning, buddy."

Together they walked towards their house.


	2. Don't Stop Me Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Brandon go on a short vacation to the planet of Casus. But fate has other things in mind than just relaxation. 
> 
> Casus can be a dangerous place, and thus of course Brandon is drawn to it like a moth to light. Meanwhile, Penny is trying to get a grip on Brandon's past.

"Passports please." 

In front of Penny and Brandon, behind a plain white desk, sat a large man made of brown stone. His voice was gravelly, hoarse and low pitched. 

Penny was first to carefully slide her passport over to the builder-man. Not having any fingers to speak of, he didn't pick it up.   
Instead he stood up, bent over and loomed over the plasticised picture and personal information of "Penny Pimpemowe". 

"Checks out. Next."

Brandon slapped his passport onto the desk. Looking at Brandon's information, the stone man's eyes widened, meaning the two holes in his face expanded, and he spoke up with a panicked voice.

"It checks out, sir. Goodbye!"

"Uh, you need to give us our transport passes", Penny interrupted.

"Oh, yes, here you go!" He practically threw the two passes at them. "Now scram."

Brandon sighed, as though he felt a familiar pain. Then he turned around and walked away, Penny following shortly after. 

"Hey, Brandon, what was his problem."

"Nothing. Don't worry about it."

Penny fell silent, confused. Currently she was too busy making sure she didn't get lost in this sea of people. The I.B.O.T. (Interstellar Bureau Of Travel) was crowded as usual.

They wrung themselves through groups of people from scaly to glowing. 

"So why do we need to buy tickets again? The Jumper can just take us anywhere, right?" Brandon asked, while leading the way through heaps of impatient Venusians, humans and more.

"Simple", Penny answered. "We want to go to Casus right? Well Casus is primarily made up of dangerous plains and jungles, with only one legitimate safe zone on the entire planet."

Brandon listened intently, shoving the last few people out the way and finally making it outside. 

"The I.B.O.T. owns that safe zone, and insists that people pay to teleport over there. So if you get there without a transport pass, you're trespassing on private property."

"And those passes cost a thousand dollars each?" 

"You were there when the bills were counted, so you know it is Brandon." 

Brandon sighed. "I just wished I was wrong."

"That's reality buddy, all about money."

"It's a shitty reality."

"Language." Penny poked him softly in his side, going easy on him out of compassion.

"So, can we just go now?"

"You bet! We're staying in a hotel, right next to the teleportation area in the safe zone."

"Right. So... when do we LEAVE the safe zone?"

"For field research?"

"Uh, yeah, let's call it that." 

Penny noticed a dangerous twinkle in Brandon's eye. The kind that she swore would some day get him killed.

"Brandon", she said in an accusitory tone of voice, "what are you planning?"

"Nothing!" He answered just a bit too fast. "Well to be honest, not nothing."

Penny glared at him in an almost motherly way. 

"Okay, okay. I want to brawl with the wild aliens there."

"Brandon! It's illegal to hunt the animals on Casus."

"I'm not gonna kill them, though! Just like wrestling with crocodiles, y'know?"

Penny sighed, realising that Brandon was to danger what iron was to magnets, regardless of what she did.

"Fine, but you'll do it in the jungle, so we don't get caught. They'll arrest us for sure otherwise."

"Us? So you're going with me?"

Penny grinned. "Someone has to keep ya safe."

\----

Penny and Brandon poofed into being on the planet of Casus. They stood on a floor of dark green tiles, amongst hundreds of other people spontaneously appearing in colourful flashes of light.

"Hey Pen?"

"Yeah?"

"Why's there floor tiles here, when there's no walls or ceiling?"

"This is just a special teleportation area."

"And... why's that not inside an actuaI building?"

"Because it's wicked hot here."  
Penny already wiped the sweat off her forehead, stepping off of the large square of green floor tiles, and onto the equally green grass.

"Really? I'm not feeling it."

"That's because you're used to blowing stuff up by touching it."

"Oh yeah", Brandon said, his eyes looking up in thought. "I'm inches away from fiery explosions on a daily basis."

"Yeah." Penny then subtly added: "How do you survive that again?"

Brandon shrugged. "Tough skin."

So you're still not telling me huh, Penny thought to herself.

They arrived at their hotel. Brandon's head slowly tilted backwards to take in the full scope of the building.

"Wow! I'll never get used to tall buildings."

"What wonderful architecture", Penny added, "I must say; I love oval shaped buildings. Plus, the orange just makes it stand out beautifully."

"Yup, it's tall alright." Brandon nodded intelligently. 

Once inside, a red line on the floor led them straight from the door to the front desk. Two receptionists, creatures with mostly birdlike features, from a beak to wings, stood behind it.

Brandon had his eyes shift from the receptionists to Penny and back. 

Penny simply went ahead: "Hello sir, we have reservations for a room on the name...", she faltered. A little embarrassed, she continued: "P- Pimpemowe."

The bird man responded in fluent, British English. "But of course, ma'am. Here are you keys."

He turned around, plucked a key and chain from the wall with his beak and dropped it in her hand.

"Penny", Brandon whispered.

"Not right now.   
Thank you very much sir, what floor are we on?"

"Penny", he whispered again, more insistent. 

"The fourth floor, ma'am."

Brandon lost his patience and blurted out: "Are these fuckin' chickens?"

The two receptionists let out an appalled gasp.

Penny practically punched the side of Brandon's head with her index finger. 

"Brandon, language! These are Korrir, the most intelligent species of Casus. They are as far from chickens as we are."

"Now THAT I know is some bull-"  
He got one look at Penny.  
"Er, not true."

"Sir, I can assure you our intellect is of the highest caliber."

"So you don't do... bird things?"

"Well..." This question brought our bird friend to uneasiness. "I mean... Who doesn't enjoy a nice rodent now and again?"

"People. People don't." Brandon grinned meanly.

"Brandon, stop it."

"Why?" Brandon made a face like he smelled something nasty. "This guy's a snob. You don't know what these guys are like."

"Please Brandon, just leave it be."

The insulted avian staff member mumbling; "...really hurt my feelings..."

"Alright... sorry."

\----

They entered the elevator, and Penny pressed the button to the fourth floor.

For the first minute they rose in silence. 

Brandon was first to speak. 

"Penny, listen... I'm sorry for acting so bitter. It's just that I have bad memories of people with fancy accents who like to think they're smart."

"I didn't know that."

"Yeah."

A few more seconds of silence. 

"No, I mean: Why didn't I know that?"

No response. 

"Brandon, I don't know where you're from. And I don't need to know everything either. But from your cradle to your college, there's nothing I know."

"You found me on the street. That's where I'd always been. No cradle, no college." Brandon looked at the ceiling, hiding his face and its expression.

"So you were orphaned at birth?"

"Hmhm."

"Do you know who your parents are... or were?"

"Not a clue."

"Then... don't you want to find them?"

"Maybe." He shrugged. "I would like to meet them, but I'm not gonna waste my life looking for them."

"I guess that makes sense..."

The elevator "dinged" and the doors opened up to the fourth floor of the hotel.

Brandon walked out without saying as much as a word, but Penny grabbed him by the back of his shirt. 

"Brandon. Haven't you ever wanted to talk to me about this?"

Brandon bit his lip.

"Yeah. I have. But I never did, 'cause we were so happy all the time. I didn't wanna ruin it for you. I didn't wanna ruin it for me."

Penny giggled sweetly. "You can't ruin this, Brandon. You could never ruin what we have. Nothing can."

Brandon smiled back, though not wholeheartedly. 

Once they entered their room, Penny practically crashed onto her bed. 

"Oh this is nice. Don't you just love having a different bed once in a while Brandon?"

He didn't answer.

"Brandon?"

Penny lifted her head off the pillow, only to see an empty bedroom.  
She walked back into the living section of their room, small but nice looking, but Brandon was still nowhere to be found. 

The door was still open. Brandon had fled. 

"Darnit, Brandon. Please don't be far."

Penny ran out the door after him.

\---- 

A glowing, waving arm obstructs your field of vision.

"Hey there, kind of a downer, huh? Sorry to interrupt ya, but I wanted to show you something."

You're confused to see the image of Charlie Pur's living room again. He's sitting on his couch, juggling pearls and other jewels, while humming "diamonds are a girl's best friend".

You hear Mort giggle, although you can't see him. "I love this guy."

~A day in the life of Charlie~

Charlie sang to himself. "The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels. But I prefer a man who lives, and gives expensive jewels."

Suddenly, his phone rang. Charlie barely flinched, catching all the jewels in his left hand, and putting them back in his pocket.

He then took his mobile phone out of his other pocket and answered the call.

"Charlie Pur, make me purr."

"Charles..."

"Oh, hey dad. How's mom?"

"Still not talking to me."

"Great. So what're you calling me for?"

"When are you going to get married?"

"Once I meet the right guy, dad. But not to worry, I think I might have found someone."

"Please tell me this one knows you're crushing on him."

"Uuuuuh, bye dad!"

"Hey-"

He hung up.

"Phew, that was close. Helena!"

The Venusian woman opened the door. "Yes, boss?"

"Did you practice the move I told you to?"

"Yes, boss!"

"Good. I want you to come with me, I have an appointment in half an hour."

\----

It was just about nighttime in Omalon, when Charlie's limousine drove from Sulfur Boulevard to the less, shall we say "peaceful" part of town. 

Charlie sat in the back, next to Helena, and looked at the streetlights. He wondered why they didn't just use purple light, instead of that ugly, orange-ish colour. 

"Ooh I'm just all giddy!" Helena was rocking back and forth in her seat. 

Charlie turned and grinned at her. "You excited?"

"Yes!"

"Let's scream at the city."

"Do what?"

"Open up the car ceiling, stand up and scream at the city!"

"Ooh I'd love to do that!"

"Then let's do it, girl!" Charlie pushed the button under his armrest and a square shaped hole opened up in the roof of the car.

He immediately jumped up, spreading his arms wide and yelling into the night sky. "Woohoo!"

Helena quickly joined him, and together they yelled and screamed into the silent darkness that was only ever broken by the occasional car. 

"Omalon is OUR city!"

"Y'all are sleeping? Boring!"

"This is the only time of the night that I'm not afraid of the dark!"

\----

The limousine parked in front of a restaurant that had spared no expenses on neon lighting to make sure you knew that it was indeed the one and only "Omalon Bites". A name that had probably sounded better in the owner's head.

Once inside they seated themselves at a round table that was just barely large enough, in the corner of the restaurant. 

On the other side of the table were a couple of mobsters and guns for hire.

A blond, pale man in a black suit spoke for the rest of them. "So, Mister Pur, you've seen the jewels we recovered for you by now?"

"Yes. 8000 kilograms, as promised.  
Oh, honey, get me a gin and prune juice." He slipped the waiter dollar bill, tapped him on the fanny and turned his attention back to the mobster.

"Uh..huh. And you know they're all legit?"

"Oh you needn't worry about that. If the jewels were fake you wouldn't be sitting here." Charlie laughed cheerfully. 

The shady gentlemen were brought to a state of slight nervousness at this point. 

"Ehm... so about our, uh, payment. We want it right here... uh, now."

"Right", Charlie answered, but facing away from them, since he'd just received his drink, and thus had to smile and wink at the handsome waiter.

He grabbed a USB drive out of the pocket of his brand new purple leather pants, which he thought fit in just right with his new sleeveless tank top, and slid it across the table. 

The blond guy grabbed it and stuck the USB into a small device, making the screen light up to reveal a set of numbers that held tremendous value because a bunch of people had decided to hate each other over this form of valuta for the next hundred years. 

"Hey", the mobster said, frowning.  
"This is wrong. This ain't the price we agreed upon!"

"I know", Charlie reacted calmly, taking a sip of his drink. "I cut it in half."

"What?!" He shot up from his chair in anger.

"None of the jewels were purple. You bring me 8000 kilograms of diamonds, pearls, emeralds, and not ONE of them is purple? How do you even do that?"

The mobster was temporarily speechless. "Er, well emeralds are usually green, so-"

"Don't smart mouth me, mister! You get half and that's it."

"Mister Pur", he spoke laughingly, attempting to look confident. "I don't think you realise your position. Half the payment ain't gonna fly with us." 

He pointed to the other men in suits, as well as the hired goons, who revealed their weapons in the only way possible; a not so friendly one.

Charlie finished his drink. "No, you're the one who doesn't realise their position. That position being above a chair with C4 strapped to the bottom of it."

The blond man slowly looked down at the chair under him, a first drop of sweat rolling off his forehead. "You can't be serious."

"Flip the chair. But one wrong move and it goes off." He revealed a detonator from a pocket inside his white, snake leather coat. 

Slowly and carefully, two of the mobsters flipped the chair. Indeed, they were greeted by a bomb, which looked like a small box with several wires going in and out of it, firmly taped to the bottom. 

They looked at it in the same way a man looks at a train when he realises he is in fact right on time, but unfortunately standing in the middle of the tracks.

"No way! You wouldn't", a brown haired fellow in a similar suit exclaimed. "You'd blow yourself up as well!"

Charlie grinned maniacally. "Now that's where you're wrong." 

He snapped his fingers, and Helena, who'd stood behind him this entire time, shapeshifted into a ball that looked like it was made entirely of diamond. This ball, being hollow on the inside, enclosed itself around Charlie.

"A nigh impenetrable shield, even capable of withstanding point-blank explosions."

"Oh God." Sweat now ran down all of the criminals' faces. 

"And look", he tapped surface triumphantly. "It's purple! Not so hard for her, now is it?"

The mobsters and their lackeys were all frozen in fear.

"Now you've got exactly ten seconds to scamper off with your money, or I'll reduce you to a smoldering crater."

For about three seconds, the men across the table were still stuck in a panicked coma. Then they ran off as fast as they could, nearly tripping over one another on their way out.

Helena turned back to normal, and her and Charlie slapped a high five. Charlie then quickly wiped some of Helena off his hand with a napkin. 

Lastly, he led Helena back to the limousine, still humming a merry tune. 

"A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girl's best friend."

\----

She'd asked around, and now she knew for sure. Brandon had ran off into the nearby jungle of Casus. Many people had seen him go in, and even more had heard the explosion, which Penny could only assume signified his first contact with the wildlife. 

On the one hand she wished there wouldn't be a next explosion. But on the other hand, it was probably the only way to track him. That and the occasional "Damn it!" echoing from tree to tree, because Brandon didn't watch his step, but that sound didn't travel nearly as far. Nor did it leave a black burnt hole in the ground and the surrounding flora.

Now she stood, somewhere in the vast jungle, and looked around. As one does when faced with a target that is moving, very powerful and also has the personality of a 'Brandon', Penny simply waited for the next explosion.

It came.

In fact, it came in conjunction with an impressively loud curse word that no doubt was from the slums Brandon grew up in, but which the youthful god Mort does not care to have repeated.

Penny ran in the direction the sound had come from, probably about a mile away. 

A few more smaller explosions. Brandon wasn't running anymore; he was fighting. Realising this, Penny's tread only increased in speed and determination. 

She tracked the sounds to somewhere behind a large bush, filled with plum, blue fruit. She'd expected to go through the bushes and see a horrible scene on the other side. Instead, a horrible scene stampeded through the bushes towards her.

Brandon was on the back of an Armadodon, a large dinosaur-like creature with a thick, purple and green shell.   
He was punching the indestructible scales of its shell. 

"Stop! Stop it you big- AAH!" Brandon hadn't yet noticed Penny, but he did see the 4 foot tall tree that he and his animal friend were heading towards. 

The beast rammed its head into the wooden giant, knocking it over but stopping nonetheless. Brandon took the opportunity to jump off of its back and land right on his butt.   
He groaned in agony.

Penny rushed towards him.

"Brandon!"

He looked up, saw her running towards him, then leaned one hand against the Armadodon's back and stood himself up. The prehistoric looking turtle was sleeping.

There was no more running, he was sure of that. But he was honestly lost for words or actions. 

She started, of course, far too reasonably. "Buddy, I understand you'd wanna blow off steam but-"

"There's some kinda unflamable stuff in my skin", he interrupted her. 

Penny stood still, her eyes like two big question marks.

"That's why I don't burn from my own explosions. I knew that you wanted to know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that when I knew. It wasn't fair of me." Brandon looked at his own feet.

Penny came even closer to him. Their foreheads touched like two boulders gently rolling down opposite hills. They both stared at their toes.

When Penny opened her mouth again, she spoke very softly. "Can I research it?"

She could somehow feel Brandon's facial muscles form a smile. "Do you promise to never change?", he asked.

"Yes."

"Then yeah, you can."

"Brandon?"

"Yeah?"

"You've got big feet."

"Uhuh."

Something clicked in Penny's head, and it caused the next silence to feel like an eternity of the universe holding its breath and, along with me (Mort), trying not to laugh.

"Uh, Brandon?"

"Yeah?"

"That's two feet too many I'm seeing right now."

Brandon nodded in self-contained horror. "Sure is."

They only needed to shift their eyes to the left to see him there, right next to them.

"Hello lovebirds, lost on a stroll?"


	3. Welcome to Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Brandon meet a humble swordsman in the jungles of Casus. And what''s really up with Brandon''s abilities?

Hanzo swung his sword at some of the bushes and trees in their way, more to hopefully impress than to serve the purpose of convenience.  
Penny and Brandon were trailing behind him.

He wasn't hostile at all, that much they knew. But he was slightly older than them, an amount which always brought some form of discomfort to the younger ones in these cases. 

He sported a short, prickly looking beard and blond, spiky hair. He had a freaky, curved smile and only wore armor in places where it seemed tacky and unnecessary, like one shoulder and both his knees. In fact, his whole being was so peculiar it ought to have a 'y' at the end of it as well.

Penny chose an awkward conversation over an awkward silence. "So Mister Hanzo, I couldn't help but notice your katana. It looks quite authentic, are you some sort of samurai?"

He let out a humble laugh, like a little raft comfortably rocking on the waves of a calm sea.   
"Nah, I'm as much of a samurai as a penguin is a bird."

"But a penguin actually is a bird." Penny said.

"Nah, penguin's as much of a bird as a panda is a bear."

Penny fell silent, trying to figure out this new form of logic she'd just discovered.  
Hanzo just continued.

"My great, great grandpa was a samurai. I'm about a quarter Asian, you see. But honestly, I like to think of myself more as a knight. Just like a samurai; knights got honor and stuff. But knights get to rescue damsels and have kick-ass castles. What do samurai get? I rightly don't know, 'cause I've never done any reading on 'em, 'cause I don't feel much for 'em. You get me?"

Penny was shaking her head in awe at this man's thinking. It's like a dog chasing its own tail, catching it, and then continuing to run in circles anyways, she thought to herself. 

"I mean, samurai are to knights, what Burger Ki-"

She looked beside her to see what effect this had on Brandon. He was looking at Hanzo's back with vacant eyes, nodding slowly and perpetually. A quick "uhuh", was squeezed in every time Hanzo stopped talking for a second. The real Brandon was clearly not present.

\----

"You kids are real lucky I found you", Hanzo said, stirring some soup on a fire. He'd led them to his wooden house somewhere in Casus' Jungle, which was surprisingly large for being built by just one guy.

"Why? We're not that far from our hotel, I'm pretty sure." Penny accepted a cup of thick, green soup. 

"No, but the animals here don't really... care about that. Neither do the hunters for that matter. Take one step out of the resort area, and you're fair game."

"They didn't tell us that."

"Of course not. They can't get rid of the hunters, and they damn well can't get rid of the wildlife. But tourism is a pretty big thing on Casus, 'sfar as I know."

"Uhuh." Brandon nodded.  
Penny snapped her fingers in front of his face and his conciousness returned to the room. "What are we talking about?" 

"You two lovebirds better just get back to your hotel, I'll guide you if you want."

"Oh right, this again." Brandon took up the conversation, while Penny's attention shifted to the assortment of children's dolls, neatly seated on wooden shelves.   
"Listen, first of all: we're not in love, we're best friends. Second of all: we're adventurers, bounty hunters. We can handle ourselves."

Hanzo sniggered. Then his expression shifted like a slide show to steel seriousness. He quickly leaned back in a snake-like way, grabbed his katana, then leaned back forward and pointed it at Brandon. 

"No bounty hunters in my house."

Penny shot up from her seat. "Okay Brandon, I think we should go."

He remained seated. "No no Pen, I see where this guy's comin' from." He looked Hanzo in the eyes. "We never take murder jobs. That's what you're afraid of, right? Hitmen... and uh, hitwomen?"

"That and regular hunters, predators and people who just point their weapons at others."

"You... do realise you're the one pointing a sword at US, right?" Brandon had now also caught wind of Hanzo's patented brand of logic.

"That's... beside the point."

"Hmno, it's really not", Penny mumbled, still looking around the room. She now also noticed the occasional dress scattered about the place. "Do you live here alone, Mister Hanzo?"

Hanzo, being surprisingly perceptive, had followed her gaze throughout the room.   
"That's it, get out."   
He got up, having remained sitting legs folded on the ground until now.

A few moments later the door was slammed shut behind them.

"He said 'damn', y'know", Penny mentioned as they walked off.

"That he did. Weird guy. Talked in circles."

"I'm pretty sure he thinks in circles. Psychologists would be baffled. So what do you want to do now?"

"Fight the wildlife?"

"I was thinking of getting drinks..."

"Sure. Let's do that."

These drinks were never aquired.   
I, as a God, can assure you of that. What did happen that afternoon? Well, a lot. Let me just give you a taste of what went down.

\----

"Oooh Pen, this place sells postcards."

"What do you need those for?"

"I want to send some to my friends back in the city. Been ages since I saw them."

\----

"So explain this to me again. Why the hell can't I send these postcards to Flowerbed Boulevard, Sunrise City?"

"Brandon, language!" An insistent whisper from Penny.

"Well sir, as I've tried to explain already; Flowerbed Boulevard is a run down collection of officially abandoned buildings, hard to even call it a neighborhood, with no postal service."

"But we've got a mailbox. I mean sure it's rusted, beat up, and most likely has lots of things living in it, but you can put letters in it just the same!"

"I'm sorry sir, but it doesn't work like that." The custodian cracked a slightly misplaced smile. "Besides, are you sure the people there can read?"

"What did you just say about my friends?"

\----

"Okay, so I admit I let my emotions get the best of me..."

"Right."

"...but he was asking for it."

"Gosh dang it Brandon! We're lucky that guy probably won't remember our faces, or it'd be the slammer for us."

"You know, you're not very convincing if you curse like that..."

"Brandon, so help me GOD I will-"

"Sorry, sorry."

\----

"Oh wow, souvenirs!" Penny's attention being drawn by kitschy snow globes and maps of Casus on mugs.

"Really? Souvenirs? You?"

"We used to take one home every time we went on vacation."

"And by 'we' you mean...?"

"My family. I'm pretty sure my dad always went for the worst looking souvenir, buying it ironically."

\----

"Brandon, you have to admit I couldn't have predicted that that souvenirshop owner was a deranged prison escapee that could light himself on fire at will."

"No problem. A left hook from me, fire extinguisher from you, put his candle right out. I'm just glad it wasn't my fault this time."

\----

"Brandon, who's chasing us at this point?"

"That clockmaker, the icecream woman, that mariachi band -holy crap they're still playing too- and lastly the man with the raptor face. Why do you ask?"

"I'm starting to feel like Mister Hanzo was right to turn us away."

\----

After just a few more of these choice encounters, Penny and Brandon finally arrived back at their hotel. They both fell onto their beds and slept from 6 o'clock in the evening to 7 in the morning. 

Or at least, Penny did. Brandon had a habit of getting up about half an hour before anyone else. While Penny was still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, he turned up with scrambled eggs and some sort of blue juice. 

"Hmm, it's so fresh and sweet! What's this made of?"

"Something called 'Moonlight Grapes'. Seems they only grow on Casus."

Penny swallowed a bite of her eggs.  
"Oh, I know those. They used to put them in medicinal products to make them taste better. This stuff could make a suppository taste good."   
She giggled to herself.

Brandon grinned at the kind of unsavory joke she would only occasionally make, and only when in a good mood.   
Then he started to count on his fingers.

"So yesterday, Friday, we got here. Then today is Saturday... We still have two whole days!" Brandon scratched himself behind the ear in sudden thought. "It feels like we've been here for a week already."

"Well, yesterday was quite... eventful."

"Heh, you can say that again. But what do you want to do today?"

"First let's examine your skin. You promised I could, after all."

Having put Brandon's hand under a microscope, Penny gazed intently at the make-up of his skin. 

"Fascinating", she mumbled after a solid five minutes, in which Brandon had done nothing but hum old Twisted Sister songs. 

"Hm?"

Penny furiously scribbled things into her notebook, not looking away from the glass of the microscope for even a second.  
"Your skin holds a high amount of particles with high endothermic capabilities!"

"In English please."

"There's something in your skin that can absorb rediculous amounts of energy, such as energy from the heat of your explosions, and store it. I tried it with a matchstick, and you didn't even feel it, did you?"

"You burned a matchstick on my hand?"

"See? You had no idea! And the fire didn't just burn on your skin, it disappeared seconds after I held it close to you. Your skin absorbed it!"

"My skin absorbs fire?"

"Well, just the energy that keeps it burning, but yeah. And that's not even the most fascinating thing!" Penny had gotten as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning at this point.

"Then what is?"

"I theorise", she began, once again speaking with her head high, eyes closed, and an index finger proudly in the air, "that this is also how you can combust anything you touch: You repurpose the energy your skin absorbs, by transferring it onto something else. This thing can't store nearly as much of the energy and heat you're transferring, and is forced to release the energy in the only way possible: combustion."

Brandon let this sink in for a while.  
"That doesn't sound like it should be possible."

Then, as if the universe wished to remind us all "what is was really all about", one of the hotel's valets flew by their window. He was a human sized bird with a red tuxedo and a pair of fashionable glasses.

"Nevermind."

\----

Pablo Avia sat, his feet resting on his desk. In hit prosthetic hand he held a sigar. In his other, more "fleshy" hand he held a letter. 

It was a purple letter, with an even darker purple wax seal on it. It said "Pur", in golden, swirly letters. Why, who could it possibly be from?

Truthfully, Charlie was about the only person Pablo would ever think to be behind a letter. He didn't know anyone else who still sent regular letters. Sure, he sent them by way of teleportation, but an email or a holographic meeting would still be easier.

Still, Pablo was one to appreciate certain loving tributes to older days.  
People who didn't respect the past would eventually have it hit them in the back of the head.

He opened the letter, and raised a single eyebrow. "We have a problem."  
That was all it said.  
Pablo pulled his legs off the desk and leaned over his computer screen. He tapped the screen, realised he was tapping it with a metal finger, then tapped with his other hand so the screen would actually respond. 

The screen changed to a long list of names, along with profile pictures for each person. He clicked the one where a guy wearing a purple boa made a kissy-face at the camera, and the call request was sent.   
It rang for half a minute, in which Pablo made sure he wasn't wearing anything black, then a hologram of Charlie's torso manifested above the screen. 

"Charlie Pur, make me purr!"

"Stop it", Pablo said with a grin.

"Oh I love that outfit! So authentic, where'd you get it?"

"A barbaric warlord. I won it yesterday, through mortal combat."

"The game?"

"I guess you could call it a game, but I doubt ol' Grinn Bloodrazor had a lot of fun." Pablo noticed some dried blood on his bone mold chest piece, even though he could've sworn he washed it all off. "I like what you're wearing as well. Green suits you, even if you don't wear it a lot."

Flattered, Charlie adjusted his green blouse slightly. "Aw, this old thing?"

"At any rate, what's this 'problem' you wrote me about?"

Charlie's face straightened to a rare serious look. "Ahlmanaer, planet a few lightyears from Earth?"

"Yeah?"

"Gone."

"WHAT?!"

"Gone. Wiped off the face of the universe. I just got word from the Intergalactic Alliance. It just... blew up. That's all they know."

"And now they need us, the 'rich folks', to pay up so they can help the survivors. Right?"

"There were no survivors. When I say 'blew up', I mean it literally popped like a balloon. They had to take safety measures immediately, to catch the debreeh before it hit other planets. They need us to pay for THAT."

"My God."

"I know right? I mean, think of what it'll COST-"

"Charles. Don't forget about the lives lost."

"Oh yeah, sorry. It'll be about five million dollars."

"You're a billionaire, don't sweat it."

"I don't. It'd ruin my clothes."

"So then the next question is: What could possibly destroy a planet like this?"

"Well at first they thought it was a bomb. Parts of the planet's crust that they collected was heavily burnt and showed vague signs of radiation..."

"Yeah, sounds like a clearcut case."

"...until they saw THIS." 

Charlie pressed something on his phone, because of course he only ever used a mobile phone and no computer. Next to his image, floating in Pablo's office, appeared a blurry picture. Pablo squinted, trying to make out what it was a picture of.

As Charlie tapped his phone, purple dots appeared on the picture. 

"What you see here is Ahlmanaer, or what's left of it. Shrapnel and debreeh, still clearly flying by fast, and even still some fire and smoke. It was taken, probably right after the fact by a satellite that was nearby, but lucky enough to survive the explosions."

"Explosions? As in; more than one?"

"Yes." Charlie rolled his eyes impatiently. He never enjoyed explaining things, leave alone questions in between. "There must've been about three massive explosions that went of one after another in like a few minutes. Don't ask me how or why, I didn't bother to either."

"Alright, alright. So why couldn't it have been three bombs?"

"Well first of all, there are no bombs known to mankind, or any other kind that's part of the Alliance, that can destroy planets. But the reason they're SURE it wasn't a bomb, is this right here."

A dot appeared on top of a thin golden beam of light, trailing behind a small, red and gold dot. 

"Something was flying away from all that destruction, seemingly unscathed. Several other satellites spotted it afterwards. And it wasn't a spaceship or anything. On closer inspection, it had the size of a regular humanoid, it even had the same shape."

Pablo took a step back, scratching his chin in contemplation. "You're not trying to tell me-"

"That... thing could have destroyed Ahlmanaer. In a matter of minutes. And it's not fleeing either. It's travelling. They've tracked it with telescopes and satellites, and it's headed for another planet."

"Where?"

"Casus."


End file.
